Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Torn

<p>True love in a marriage is definitely tested when something major occurs like a death of a family member, financial hardship, or when your spouse becomes seriously ill. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 10 years. He was always my back bone through everything. He guided me through a lot of my darkest times and believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself. I was able to overcome a horrible addiction to drugs as a result of his love, patience, understanding, and faith. I've always seen us growing old together, having our kids and Grand kids over for holiday dinners, BBQ's, and special family get togethers.

All of that was suddenly jeopardized when my husband began showing signs of a mental illness 2 years ago out of no where. I never saw it coming even after I replayed things over and over again in my mind...nothing... He began to slowly change. This once care free person who loved God with all his heart was now paranoid that people were trying to kill him and us (his family). He thought random people, even the government were on an evil plot to see us destroyed to nothing. He took so many drastic measures to ”protect us” from these people that in the end we lost everything.

At one time we had a nice townhouse, 2 cars, our own cleaning business, he was in college to get his bachelors degree in accounting, and I worked at Bank of America. Month by month as his illness worsened all of those things we once had started to disappear til we were living out of a hotel room, with one car, no cleaning business, no college degree, and me with no job. I was forced to leave my job because he got to the point where he could not be alone. He feared being alone would cause him to die.

It finally got so bad when he stopped talking all together. He would communicate to everyone thru using his hands or writing things down but he wouldn't utter a word. I was so scared that he would hurt him self or get even worse. It was then that I started seeking outside help. I knew it wasn't his fault, he didn't have control over these thoughts in his head. It was completely a chemical imbalance and I knew he needed the help of a psychiatrist to get through this. After consulting a doctor he was placed inpatient in a mental facility for a week. They put him on medication that eventually stopped the paranoid delusions.

Now he was still battling with severe depression because he knew he wasn't the same person he used to be and that scared him.  With my husband not able to fully function that left me to take the position as the head of our home and care for him as well as our 4 children. Sometimes I ask myself how I have been able to get through all of it, but then a calm feeling comes over me and I am quickly reminded that God has been my guide ,comforter, and savior this whole time. Without HIM I can do nothing.

Its been 2 years since my husband first became ill, and things are not that much better but we take it day by day. My love was definitely tested through all of this. I was constantly reminded of the vows I took on our wedding day: For better or worse, richer or poorer, SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH. I've realized that God truly blessed me with my soul mate. Honestly after all that we've been through as a family I can truly say I love my husband more now than ever. I believe that with my love, support, understanding, and faith backing him, he will be renewed and restored into the awesome man of God he is.  It just goes to show that God is love an through Him all things are possible.


Thursday, June 7, 2012

Stands in faith

Stand in Faith

Stand in faith
Even when you can’t see your way Stand in faith
Even when you feel like you can’t face another day
Stand in faith
Even when the tears want to flow from your eyes
Stand in faith
Knowing that our God will always provide
Stand in faith
Even when you feel that all hope is gone
Stand in faith
Knowing that He is always there for you to lean on
Stand in faith
Even when you feel like giving up Stand in faith
Because He is there... saying, 'Just look up'
Stand in faith
Even in those times you feel so all alone
Stand in faith
Hold on and be strong, for He is still on the throne
Stand in faith
Even when it’s hard to believe
Stand in Faith
Knowing that He can change your situation, suddenly
Stand in faith
Even in those times you feel it’s hard to pray
Stand in faith
And believe that He has already made the way
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen
So stand in faith
Because you already have the victory!

Nissa Armstrong


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Reflection in the mirror

As I stare in the mirror this new person stares back at me. She is very different than the girl who used to stare back at me 8 years ago. This woman has a smile that shows she is so thankful for the life God has blessed her with. A smile that chases years of happiness ahead. Her eyes give a brief glimpse in her past of pain once endured. She stands strong today.  Once misunderstood and lost, now hopeful and settled.  She whispers to me the words, ”Thank You”. It is then that I realized that deep sense of gratitude wasn't just for her current destination... It was for the journey along the way.  Those experiences both bad and good created this new person now staring back at me... So the girl from 8 years ago is never forgotten, it just took a while til she found me....


Sunday, June 3, 2012

A week.... I did it

Today is 1 week smoke free... Yey me... I started this mission last Sunday at exactly 4:30pm (EST). I was really unsure if I could stick to it, but by the end of the night I was sure this was the time. It felt different than any other time I tried to quit smoking. I started off using the Nicorette Patch add I said before in a previous post. Surprisingly it really helped a lot. I didn't have that insane crave after or during the typical smoking times:
-after you eat
-when you drive
-right after you wake up
-when your bored
However the
-when you're stressed out or angry
Crave did get to me a little. So much that I ALMOST gave in. I know I am not in the clear, but for not I feel very accomplished. Let me have my moment ;-)


Friday, June 1, 2012

Never give up

Climb 'Til Your Dream Comes True
by: Helen Steiner Rice

Often your tasks will be many, And more than you think you can do- Often the road will be rugged And the hills insurmountable, too.

But always remember, The hills ahead Are neveras steep as they seem-
And with Faith in your heart Start upward And climb 'til you reach your dream.

For nothing in life that is worthy Is ever too hard to achieve-
If you have the courage to try it, And you have the faith to believe.

For faith is a force that is greater Than knowledge or power or skill- And many defeats turn to triumph If you trust in God's wisdom and will.

For faith is a mover of mountains, There's nothing that God cannot do- So, start out today with faith in your heart, And climb 'til your dream comes true!


4 days smoke free

So I have completed 4 days of smoke free living using the Nicorette Patch and a lot of will power. I've had several points where I was tempted to light up (like right now haha) but I haven't and do not intend to give in. This is so much more than just quitting a bad habit. Its setting an example for my children not to pick up this habit in the first place, its showing myself the true amount of strength and will power I have. I honestly believe we all hold a great amount of strength within ourselves that at times we either cannot see or refuse to see. Either way, I Will overcome this nasty habit and will not look back....