I haven't written a post for my blog in a long time. Mostly because my life has been through so many twists and turns that I haven't found the time to just think simple thoughts. I started this blog to talk about my journey coping with an addiction, my recovery, and my hope towards the future. I think I've strayed away from my original thought process, which in my case isn't unusual. I think my addiction to drugs obviously didn't have to happen, but because I had such a difficult time dealing with my emotions, anger, and pain; all it took was for that 1 person to introduce it to me with the idea that it could mysteriously make all of my problems go away. I think in the back of my mind I knew that just wasn't going to happen, but I wanted just something to make the pain subside even if only for a couple of hours. So the chapter in my life of drug use began. At first it was just marijuana here and there. Then it progressed into cocaine use at parties and in social situations. As weird as it sounds I had a strong hold on my life still, or at least I thought. The day I was introduced to that little blue bag of heroin my life took a turn that I would spend the next 15 years trying to straighten. I still to this day cant believe I allowed heroin to control and take over my life the way it did. I always remember telling myself I would never be a person addicted to "hardcore" drugs, but when your at a low place in your life and you don't have the support, will power, or determination to overcome its extremely difficult to just say no. The funny thing is, now that I am clean and sober and have been for years it's so easy to say no, walk away, and stay away from drugs. I realized that I had that strength, will power, and determination all along. I was just to blind to see it. We all have that same strength within us. Sometimes it takes some digging to find it, but its there. I have been clean since July 8th, 2004 with some ups and downs in between. Making the choice to get clean was the absolute best decision in my entire life, but I will not sit here and tell you that I don't go through storms like everyone else. I think after I got clean, I learned what being an adult was really about. I had to understand and embrace responsibility, accountability, and daily coping skills. One of the biggest challenges I still have is coping with day to day issues that come with being a wife, mother, and all around adult. Being sober means that you cannot run to drugs every time things get hard or out of hand. You have to find other outlets that give you a peace of mind and allow you to approach the situation clear headed. For me those outlets are music, making themes and widgets for Android phones, spending time with my kids and husband, and writing. I've learned that the only way to stay clean is to try and avoid idle time as much as possible. Finding something to channel your mind into is key to controlling your life. Each day that I wake up its truly a gift. Even if I am broke, struggling to pay bills, dealing with my children's issues, or battling other outside issues; being alive is still a gift. I do plan ahead for things, but for the most part I try to live each day as it comes only because I've learned that life can throw many different curve balls that can detour you from your original plans. My goals are very different than they once were, but the simple things still remain the same. Being able to watch my children grow up and being there to guide them a long the way is the one of the main things I focus on these days. Loving my life and the people in it.
