Stumbling blocks of confusion

In life we think we have everything under control when things are going good in our eyes. It's when things start beginning to get chaotic that  you truly see how much under strength you hold within. It's funny how things start to unravel over the littlest setbacks. Will I run back to drugs as a means of coping, telling myself,  "oh well everything is going bad right now so I might as well have some fun out of this"... Knowing I'm only digging a deeper hole for myself that will be too difficult to climb out of in the end... Or will I stand strong thru the storm and keep uplifting myself to greater heights?.... This is what separates the weak moments from the strong. This is what makes you or breaks you.

Life After the storm

Today I choose to be clean and sober, today I choose to love my life and myself. Today ....

During my addiction I couldn't see a silver lining, all I could see is the pain from my past, the hurt in my heart, and pain that was to come. I couldn't see any happiness in the future at all. In my eyes, Heroin was the remedy to all of my issues. It kept me numb from feeling anything and it put all of those issues on the back burner. In the beginning I thought heroin was just something added to my life. It wasn't until I was so addicted to it that I realized it wasn't added to my life, it became the focus of my entire life. It took over any goals I had, any motivation I needed to succeed. I allowed this daily cycle to continue until one day I realized that it was stealing my future one day at a time. If I was going to be a real mother to my kids, a good wife to my husband, and a strong person for myself I needed to walk away from heroin. It was the hardest thing I ever had to walk away from, the hardest thing I ever left behind. Once I got clean, I began to see a silver lining in my life. I began to have goals Once again and see my future brighter. There is sunshine and brighter days after an addiction, you just have to believe. 

Im back

I haven't written a post for my blog in a long time. Mostly because my life has been through so many twists and turns that I haven't found the time to just think simple thoughts. I started this blog to talk about my journey coping with an addiction, my recovery, and my hope towards the future. I think I've strayed away from my original thought process, which in my case isn't unusual. I think my addiction to drugs obviously didn't have to happen, but because I had such a difficult time dealing with my emotions, anger, and pain; all it took was for that 1 person to introduce it to me with the idea that it could mysteriously make all of my problems go away. I think in the back of my mind I knew that just wasn't going to happen, but I wanted just something to make the pain subside even if only for a couple of hours. So the chapter in my life of drug use began. At first it was just marijuana here and there. Then it progressed into cocaine use at parties and in social situations. As weird as it sounds I had a strong hold on my life still, or at least I thought. The day I was introduced to that little blue bag of heroin my life took a turn that I would spend the next 15 years trying to straighten.  I still to this day cant believe I allowed heroin to control and take over my life the way it did. I always remember telling myself I would never be a person addicted to "hardcore" drugs, but when your at a low place in your life and you don't have the support, will power, or determination to overcome its extremely difficult to just say no.  The funny thing is, now that I am clean and sober and have been for years it's so easy to say no, walk away, and stay away from drugs. I realized that I had that strength, will power, and determination all along. I was just to blind to see it. We all have that same strength within us. Sometimes it takes some digging to find it, but its there.  I have been clean since July 8th, 2004 with some ups and downs in between. Making the choice to get clean was the absolute best decision in my entire life, but I will not sit here and tell you that I don't go through storms like everyone else. I think after I got clean, I learned what being an adult was really about.  I had to understand and embrace responsibility, accountability, and daily coping skills. One of the biggest challenges I still have is coping with day to day issues that come with being a wife, mother, and all around adult. Being sober means that you cannot run to drugs every time things get hard or out of hand. You have to find other outlets that give you a peace of mind and allow you to approach the situation clear headed. For me those outlets are music, making themes and widgets for Android phones, spending time with my kids and husband, and writing. I've learned that the only way to stay clean is to try and avoid idle time as much as possible. Finding something to channel your mind into is key to controlling your life.  Each day that I wake up its truly a gift. Even if I am broke, struggling to pay bills, dealing with my children's issues, or battling other outside issues; being alive is still a gift.  I do plan ahead for things, but for the most part I try to live each day as it comes only because I've learned that life can throw many different curve balls that can detour you from your original plans. My goals are very different than they once were, but the simple things still remain the same. Being able to watch my children grow up and being there to guide them a long the way is the one of the main things I focus on these days. Loving my life and the people in it.

See past the storm

In the middle of your storm, if You look hard enough...You can catch a glimpse of a rainbow...

What to do, what to do

<p>I have 4 children and my oldest is 16 years old. Raising a teenager, especially in today's society has been a challenge In many ways. I had my oldest at a very young age, but it seems like this new generation has changed dramatically from when I was 16 years old. There are so many different distractions that are in a teenagers life, especially a teenage boy.... sigh</p>
<p>My latest dilemma with my son is school and his goals. My son has a lot of wonderful goals that most kids his age don't have. He wants to attend college and get involved in journalism or music/movie production. As I sit and listen to his future plans and ever-changing ideas I can't help but to be a little scared. </p>
<p>You see my son is battling an issue that so many other people in this country deal with everyday. He is bipolar. The doctor diagnosed him a year ago, although I've known there was an issue 3 years ago. I was diagnosed with the same thing when I was younger so I understand and know all too well what the symptoms are and what it's like battling this disease. </p>
<p>He was given medication to help him deal with his changing emotions on a daily basis, but the only problem is he refuses to take the medication. He thinks that by agreeing to take the medication he is admitting to the world that he is crazy. I've sat and talked to him on many different occasions and explained what being bipolar meant, some things to look out for, how to deal with it, and most importantly I told him that taking medication didn't mean in any way that he was crazy.</p>
<p>No matter how many talks we've had or how much I've comforted him, it doesn't seem to matter. His mind is made up and he refuses to take any medicine whatsoever. He is 16, so I can't force him to swallow pills everyday. I thought about putting them in his food, but I couldn't do that. So I decided to walk with him thru his choice to deal with his diagnosis on his own. I knew right away that he would face many challenges and so would I, but he's my son and I was ready for whatever life brought our way. </p>
<p>It's been an up and down battle since he was diagnosed. He's had a couple of episodes in the past year where he was either angry for no apparent reason, or sad, upset and crying with no real solid reason why and no way to make it stop. When these episodes occurred he would come to me first. He usually argued with me or tried to pick a fight with me and I knew that was his way of crying out for help without actually saying it. At times he has a difficult time expressing his emotions or organizing his feelings in such a way that he is able to explain what he's going thru. So as a mother it's been my job to know when he's having these episodes, understand what triggers them, and not just help, but teach him ways to cope with these mixed feelings. </p>
<p>I can tell you it's been really difficult for me at times. I have to constantly practice patience,calmness, and separating my own emotions from the situation. 3 things that can be extremely hard for someone whose battling being bipolar themselves. I can tell you that being him had helped me open my eyes to some of my own ways that needed change. </p>
<p>He's a freshman in high school this year (he was kept back twice for academic issues that i now believe were in a lot of ways connected to what he's going thru now). His excitement toward being in high school is there, his desire to graduate is there, and even his like and respect for his teachers is there, but his motivatioon towards daily attendance and his patience for certain subjects he has issues in...isn't there at all.

He struggles in certain subjects and when he can't understand what they are teaching or catch on to the assignments his frustration sets in and its almost like a part of him gives up. I quickly go from mother, mentor, and teacher to comforter, motivator and cheerleader.  I have to keep reminding how important his education is and how it's the foundation of his future. It takes a second of heart to heart conversation but eventually he is able to calm down and approach the assignment/lesson with a more focused attitude.

Each day brings something new and I would be lying if I told that his decision to not take medication has been the best or at times easiet thing to deal with. Nevertheless it's his decision and I believe with Gods help, dedication, and a lot of hard work my son can overcome this illness and be a successful adult. you

Faith accepts things unseen

Faith is the substance of things hoped for but not seen. The very essence of your walk with God is based on FAITH. God wants us to believe in Him, stand firm on his word, and have faith that He will guide us thru life.

Often times we find ourselves in the midst of a storm, or crossing a hurdle and find it so difficult to stand on faith. It is during those times that we need to remind our self that god will never put too much on us that we can't handle and thru faith we will understand that He is always with us.

Unity